The Truth About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

I have been really pondering on this topic for a while. I will most likely go off on tangents but I will do my best to keep this somewhat in an organized order of things.

The RANT

I was offered a full-time job at the MTC about a week into our marriage (I interviewed the day before our wedding and the day after our honeymoon!). It was a job as a Training Coordinator, managing, training, hiring about 50 different teachers and over 60 different languages. I found this job very rewarding. I felt important, I felt respected. I spoke with very high profile people--and knew about inside info that wasn't even out to the public for another couple months. I had my own HUGE office, and an awesome boss who let me flex my schedule around. I was booked everyday with trainings, one-on-ones, and conference calls. I had a good salary and benefits. I felt like an adult, an important one... and it made me feel pretty darn cool. I worked there for a year, and then had Aiden, and realized that this job was going to be hard with him. My whole life, I wanted to be a MOM. I knew now that I had it, I needed to put 100% into it. At this point in our lives though, we needed health insurance. So, I applied to work as a Hall Advisor in Residence Life at BYU. Again it was full time but a doable full time with a baby. I still managed students, although they were a bit younger, I would train them, but still I didn't feel as important as I did at the MTC. I was no longer an "administrator" at the university but a "full-time staff." My benefits were still almost just as good, just a lower pay and less vacation... although we had free rent  and food... so it worked. I did feel like I was a little less important.  But I reminded myself that I did not need to measure my success that way... and that helped some.

I could not wait for Darin to get a job so I could be with my baby all day. I felt guilty at times when I would come home and it had been an entire day of work. I knew my primary responsibility was to be a mother. I knew that that is where I would feel the most fulfillment in life.... so when Darin graduated and got this job, I was excited to devote my time to Aiden and his needs....

The summer was unique since Darin was free and we were with family, so I did not really experience the REAL "stay-at-home mom" job until I came to Charlotte in July. My first day was okay, but Darin would come home and find the house a mess--dinner made (some days) and Aiden and I still in our jammies. Darin never said anything--he's the best husband-- but to me, I felt that I had accomplished "nothing" that day.

After about a full week of staying at home, I felt unsatisfied, tired, and unaccomplished. Why would I feel that way if this was the most important calling in life, something that I felt so strongly that God wanted me to do? Well, as I spoke with other people in the same boat as me, I began to realize I was not the only one. I also came up with a few points as to why we may feel this way at times.

1) Social media.  Isn't it great? How many of us sit on Facebook or pinterest or instagram and look at how "perfect" other moms are. Like, "wow, she actually has time to get out of her sweats, work out, SHOWER, do her hair and put makeup on? I must be so unproductive and lazy... therefore, I'm a bad mom." Had that thought go through your head? I have... or this one, "holy cow, look at that gorgeous meal.. and oh my, in the background, her house is so tidy, she's so crafty... she upholstered that thing by herself.... why am I so bad at this?" Yup. Before I was a mom, I dreamed I would be the best cook--pinterest worthy dinners, have the cutest decorated house--as if from a magazine, be fit, wear cute clothes, have my baby wearing cute clothes, quilt, etc, etc, etc.

When I couldn't be what pinterest and Facebook told me I should, I labeled myself as sub-par. I even told Darin one day, "I thought I would be good at this but, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom." ouch. Yes, those words came out of my mouth.

Let's be real though, how many of these people REALLY look like this everyday? I am guilty of posting a picture when my dinner actually turns out... when I actually get dressed for the day... when I actually get the house cleaned... but that is a small percentage of reality.

2) The World. I don't really know what to call this, but let me explain. Over the last 20 years, getting married early, having kids early has become something that we put on hold. Our careers, our education, and status in the "world" seems to be what gives us value. It's almost as if if you're the one who is the stay at home mom, it's because you had nothing better to do so you "settled." Have you felt that from the media? I sure have. I guess 1 and 2 kind of intertwine but how the world measures success today is far different from how it was measured 20 years ago. Is "mother of 4" something you put on your resume? No. But can I tell you right now that being a mother is probably where you will learn the most skills in the quickest amount of time than I think any other job out there?

3) The need for gratification, NOW. I think that when you are running or managing a company, a department, getting a degree, you get a lot of praise. Praise from people comes. Having that title gives you the instant gratification and satisfaction for your job. Having people tell you you're the best boss makes you feel good, now. But guess what? You don't get that when you're a mom, well, you do but, not openly. It's in the quiet hours of the AM when you pick your baby up to feed them for the 3rd time in the night and they just stare into your eyes that you feel that joy... and in the morning when you're tired, you've probably forgotten it. And you're the only one who sees it. What is this need to be openly gratified for all we do? Does it tie back into the media? Probably.

I am sure, and I haven't gotten there yet, that when you see your children grow up, get married and have a family of their own, and make right choices that lead them down a good path, that gratification comes. That satisfaction comes because that is what matters most. After you retire, do you think people are going to remember your awards, titles, or bonuses you hit at work? Probably not. Instant gratification is exactly that. Instant. It comes, it goes, and you always are left wanting more. I am sure that the gratification of a family, a growing righteous family is one that is lasting. Because families are forever.

So what can we do?

Choose to change your purpose. My purpose is not to get all the stuff done around the house and be a super mom so that everyone can see how great I am. My purpose is to tend to my child(ren), give them what they need, love them, and nurture them. The following week after I told Darin I wasn't cut out to be a mom, I CHOSE to change how I thought. I decided to have a new purpose--and that was to give Aiden what he needed. If I get dinner done, great. If I get a load of laundry done, even better! If I get a nap or get to shower, awesome! But my child is my focus. They will grow up, and wouldn't you hate thinking, "gosh, I should have just given him that attention--because all I can remember doing was sitting on my Facebook on my phone feeling sorry for myself while baby did who knows what."

Choose to live life now.

Ironically, when I did that, Aiden was happier. He slept better at night, he played better when I needed to cook, because he knew that Mommy was there for him. Because I gave him the time of day.

Another thing we can do is seek gratification from the RIGHT places. Not the world... but from The Man Upstairs. He wants nothing more than for us to raise his children in righteousness. He knows that a mother is one of the highest and most divine callings in the world. If there were no mothers, there are no people. Think about that. The greatest CEO in the world had a mom who raised him/her, who was up with him every night... EVERYONE has a mother.

It's hard to not be complimented all the time, but realize whose opinions REALLY matter. Someone thinks of me as his world. He gives me hugs, and needs me to cuddle him when he cries. No one sees that, no one knows that... and that's okay. Stop worrying about what others think.

After shifting my paradigm I have felt more satisfied with my day to day activities, and I have felt a closer relationship with my child, my husband, and my Heavenly Father. And isn't that all that matters?

Do I still miss work sometimes? Yes. Do you need time for yourself sometimes? Yes. That's why I'm grateful for an amazing husband who works all day for our family, but then will take our baby out for a night so I can get some "me" time. But after they've been gone for about an hour, I just miss them. I miss my baby when he sleeps, and sometimes I think that if I miss him when he's sleeping I probably should make more of our time when he's awake. We will miss these days once they pass... so let's make the best of it now.

Moms out there, you're awesome.

What I want people to think we look like...

What we really look like... 

But this is worth it.

End Rant
p.s. It's still hard some days, and that's okay.

Sorry this is so scatterbrained, but I just had this thought today and had to get it out.

Erika