I know people have written a bajillion blogs on marriage but here is the bajillion plus one-th.
I write this because it's on my mind (usually why I ever write is when something is weighing on my mind) and I need to get it out. Maybe someone is meant to read it, or maybe it could help someone gain perspective, or maybe it's all about me and when I'm done at least I will feel better.
Let me tell you a few things that bug me...
I don't know why we feel this way, but for some reason we feel there is "the one" for us.
Oh-- and that we have to be "in love" (whatever the heck that means) for it to work.
First off what does it even mean to be IN love? I think maybe the word you're looking for is like current obsession or infatuation? That fades, people. LOVE is a verb. We have the choice to act. We choose to love. Now, is it easier to love some people more than others? Yes! But can we choose to love everyone and anyone? Yes. So if love "fades" whose fault is that? Yours. Not fate, not because he/she is not "the one" but because you chose to not love anymore. Maybe not consciously but through your actions, at some point, you let it die.
How do we love? When you love someone what do u do? The Savior-- the perect example for pure love, served. Have you ever served someone and put them first and in turn felt a greater LOVE for them? So as a spouse shouldn't we serve the most the one we are commanded to LOVE most (after God of course)?
I learned some interesting facts from my major: marriage, family studies, and human development that I would like to share... Like for example, arranged marriages have lower divorce rates than marriages that were by free choice. Why might that be? Part of that statistic may be because of culture--that those who were arranged tend to have a culture that strongly discourages divorce... But I do think there's more to it than that. I think when you get past the butterflies and rainbows you face REALITY and guess what? Life is never rainbows and butterflies. Life is life, and it's not happily ever after unless you consciously choose everyday for it to be.
For example- it's been a long day at work. I really just want to be alone and my husband comes to pick me up at work. I grunt as I get in the car and he asks how my day was. I answer, "fine, I'm just tired." In a very short, frustrated tone. He has done nothing wrong and yet because I'm being selfish I am rude to him. This happens everyday for a few weeks and what happens? Husband doesn't realllly want to be around me either, we slowly drift apart.... This really happened, guys, I was pregnant, tired and just lazy in my relationship with my husband. It hurt us, and I had to realize that you have to put in effort to get happily ever after. You get out what you put in.
So now, hubby gets home from work--I've had a long tiring day with my baby... But instead of grunting about it I tell him welcome home, I ask him how his day was, I give him a hug and kiss, I tell him I missed him today and that I'm glad he's home. Does this happen daily? No... Do I always mean it? I do now, but maybe I didn't always mean it when I first started trying it, or my pride made me feel silly saying I missed you... But that's exactly it--by doing that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both are happier, and let me tell you, I'm living my happily ever after.
So back to arranged marriages... I think the concept of "happily ever after" is selfish and very individually based. It's very "ME" centered. When we learn to suck it up and quick worrying about our own happiness and seek the happiness of others, that's where we find the greatest happiness. Which is why I think that a lot of arranged marriages end up being wonderful-- because they forget about themselves and serve eachother. There are no rainbows and butterflies to cloud their minds and fill them with happily ever after mush. Disney is fiction. This is real life.
With any marriage though, arranged or not, for it to be successful you must follow the magic ratio of 5:1. This is a study done by Gottman, on marriage. 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative. That is the ratio to "happy couples." So, make positive interaction daily. Connect with your spouse, however it may be. Serve one another, use your words to express love, you might feel silly at first, but they are important. (This ratio goes for relationships with your children too!)
Okay now my rant about "the one." This concept is interesting. I do believe that for some, there is "the one" out there for them, but even if they found them it doesn't mean marriage is easier with them than with someone else per se. Here's the deal, once you have chosen someone (after much dating, fasting, and prayer of course), they are the one. You chose them to be your "one," and so you better make it work. Thomas S. Monson said, "choose your love, then love your choice." You don't think what if anymore, you do everything in your power to make the marriage the best you can make it.
There will be times where divorce is inevitable, or necessary-- so please don't stick it out if your being abused in any way, or other extenuating circumstances... This is not talking about you.
But with nearly half of the marriages in America ending in divorce I KNOW most of them were not for the necessary reasons.
If two people put 100% in, it will work. You don't meet half way, you don't give and take--you give yourself to that person, and they do the same, and you become one...
As I have been married and started a family, I begin to understand more why marriage and having children is one of God's commandments. You learn so much about love, and grow to become more like our Father in Heaven because the understanding that comes from those experiences. With God's purpose-- having us become like him, I can see why Satan would want to do anything to stop that spiritual progression creating a family provides. I understand why fair tales and being "in love" and all that silly chick flick nonsense is all over the media-- our sense of entitlement and need to be happy --all the politics on defining marriage--skewing our views and expectations of marriage. If Satan can keep us from experiencing that spiritual growth marriage and parenthood brings--and keep us focused on our selfish personal desires of entitlement, then he's won.
It's okay if you're married and are kinda freaking out. It takes adjustment, it takes humility. Have I mastered it? No way... But it definitely has gotten easier since I started thinking of his happiness before my own. Do I always think that way? No sir-- I'm human and still very selfish, but I've seen a change when I try. Do I get butterflies when I get to see my husband? Yes. Why? Because I choose to. I'm in control of actions and feelings.
If you seek to make others happy, you will find your true happiness.
Rant over. Sorry it's not very organized. I'm typing this on my phone... In the middle of the night.
