Last night, I was busy working on my Younique stuff on Facebook. Aiden was coughing a lot after we had put him down, and I was worried maybe he had FINALLY gotten what Darin and I had for so long.
You see, Darin has been coughing and congested for weeks now, and I had it not as extreme as him... but then caught a stomach virus that had me in the bathroom throwing up all night (sorry for the TMI) last week. Darin came home early from work that next day so that I could rest and Aiden would have someone to play with him, and so that I wouldn't get him sick. I took ALL the disinfecting measures. Used my DoTerra oils, Bleach, hand sanitizer, and Clorox wipes like a mad woman, bleaching and wiping down everything, washing sheets... etc... I thought we were set.
So back to last night, Aiden kept coughing (most likely in his sleep) and then I heard a gag. Darin would gag at the end of his long coughing fits--so a part of me thought maybe that was it. There was no crying after, nothing. I think that was about 11pm or 12am last night. I heard some quiet whining at 2am and woke Darin because I was beginning to think maybe Aiden didn't have dad's bug, but mine. I kept thinking maybe he had thrown up, but if he hadn't and he was sleeping peacefully, I didn't want to wake him... so I decided to stay.
In retrospect, I should have checked. You know how sometimes you think--"maybe this is a prompting?" I thought that last night. But then realized that I'm typically a paranoid person and just went to bed. He wasn't crying, so he must be okay....
This morning at 7am, Aiden screamed for us to come get him because he was awake. He has been waking up earlier the last week or so because of teething, so it was no surprise. Normally Darin will go in, rock him a few minutes and he'll sleep for another 2 hours. I laid in bed listening to what was going on down the hall... THEN, I hear the bathtub turn on and I feel sick...
I run into the bathroom and Darin is undressing Aiden putting him in the bath. Aiden is just chipper with a smile on his face--but covered in what Darin thought was a blowout. I ran into his bedroom and his bed was covered. in. puke. I just started to bawl. Literally just BAWLING because at the moment I felt like the worst mother in the world.
I had this stomach virus last week. IT. HURT. I rolled around in bed crying for about 3 hours because my stomach killed. I ached all over after I threw up and hardly slept. At least I had Darin next to me to get me tylenol, TUMs, and water.
Aiden must have gone through something similar. I heard whimpers -- I thought he was crying in his sleep but it was probably because he felt so weak. No wonder he didn't cry out to me last night, he was hurting too much. UGH. The more these thoughts raced through my head, the more I just hurt for him. As I washed off his sheets and started the washer, I just SOBBED at the thought of what my child must have gone through last night. He needed me and I couldn't be there.
All the while, as I am a wreck, Aiden in happily smiling at dad, in the tub splashing away, SO happy that he gets to start his day with one of his favorite things--A BATH.
I'll have you know, I have coddled him NON STOP this morning. What a sweet boy.
As I have been pondering about this, I just can't help but think of a few things I've learned from this experience. This clearly is not the first time I have wished that I could take away my child's pain, and suffer it for him... and it very well WILL NOT be the last.... and THAT. HURTS. As a parent the LAST thing you want your child to ever go through is pain, of ANY kind. But that's mortality and it's kind of inevitable.
Every time I hear about a parent having to see their child suffer, it makes me think of the Atonement. Aiden's suffering last night is minimal compared to parents who have children with a painful illness or disease, cancer, etc. But as a parent you get a glimpse of what maybe our Heavenly Father might have felt like when He saw His Son suffer. I know anyone can try to imagine what that would feel like (to a degree), but I feel like becoming a Mother has helped me imagine it a little more realistically. What great love Heavenly Father had for the greater good (i.e. us) to go through that as a parent.
On the same topic, what great love did the Savior have for us to do that as well. There are only a few people in this WORLD that I would take their pain upon myself or die for. Those are people I love dearly, and people that I feel don't "deserve" to suffer that. But the Savior suffered for everyone. Every. Single. Person. Some that maybe even "deserved" to suffer because of their terrible choices. He suffered for them too. It's easy to love children, your spouse or family. It's easy to wish to take their pain away or suffer for them. But He took on ALL pains. Now that's TRUE LOVE.
Another thought: in Preach My Gospel it says,
God is our Heavenly Father. We are His children. He has a body of flesh and bone that is glorified and perfected. He loves us. He weeps with us when we suffer and rejoices when we do what is right. He wants to communicate with us, and we can communicate with Him through sincere prayer. Preach My Gospel Ch. 3, Lesson 1I have ALWAYS loved that line. "He weeps with us when we suffer." This morning, I wept. Aiden was maybe not "suffering" as much at that point in time, but THIS LINE came to my mind this morning as I thought about Aiden. God really is our Heavenly FATHER, who loves us as His children.
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| Of all the other titles that He could have used, He chose to be called “Father.” Find this AWESOME TALK here. |
Lastly, I learned how forgiving children can be. Last week when I was sick, I was a bit angry that Darin was sleeping. I mean I'm sick and hurting, and there he is, sleeping. Then, I would have to tell my irrational self that Darin had work in the morning (but why would he even go if I was sick) and that I needed to let him rest, and I was an adult and could take care of myself (but I want my mommy...). Yes, inside of this adult body is a selfish child. #thestruggleisreal.
If I went through what Aiden went through last night, I WOULD NOT be happily splashing in the tub. I would NOT want to be held and coddled my mom, the mom who totally abandoned me when I needed her last night. But he did. You can learn so much from a 15-month-old.
So basically, I just am grateful to have the title Mom. Do I stink at it? Sometimes, maybe most of the time... but especially last night. That was a major Mommy fail. But I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father, regardless of my weaknesses, has entrusted His children to me to take care of in this life, ALL so that I can learn what it means to become more like Him, and LOVE like he loves.
That's all,
<3/ Erika
