You CHOOSE to be "Happily Ever After"

I know people have written a bajillion blogs on marriage but here is the bajillion plus one-th.
I write this because it's on my mind (usually why I ever write is when something is weighing on my mind) and I need to get it out. Maybe someone is meant to read it, or maybe it could help someone gain perspective, or maybe it's all about me and when I'm done at least I will feel better.

Let me tell you a few things that bug me...
I don't know why we feel this way, but for some reason we feel there is "the one" for us.
Oh-- and that we have to be "in love" (whatever the heck that means) for it to work.
First off what does it even mean to be IN love? I think maybe the word you're looking for is like current obsession or infatuation? That fades, people. LOVE is a verb. We have the choice to act. We choose to love. Now, is it easier to love some people more than others? Yes! But can we choose to love everyone and anyone? Yes. So if love "fades" whose fault is that? Yours. Not fate, not because he/she is not "the one" but because you chose to not love anymore. Maybe not consciously but through your actions, at some point, you let it die.

How do we love? When you love someone what do u do? The Savior-- the perect example for pure love, served. Have you ever served someone and put them first and in turn felt a greater LOVE for them? So as a spouse shouldn't we serve the most the one we are commanded to LOVE most (after God of course)?

I learned some interesting facts from my major:  marriage, family studies, and human development that I would like to share... Like for example, arranged marriages have lower divorce rates than marriages that were by free choice. Why might that be? Part of that statistic may be because of culture--that those who were arranged tend to have a culture that strongly discourages divorce... But I do think there's more to it than that. I think when you get past the butterflies and rainbows you face REALITY and guess what? Life is never rainbows and butterflies. Life is life, and it's  not happily ever after unless you consciously choose everyday for it to be.

For example- it's been a long day at work. I really just want to be alone and my husband comes to pick me up at work. I grunt as I get in the car and he asks how my day was. I answer, "fine, I'm just tired." In a very short, frustrated tone. He has done nothing wrong and yet because I'm being selfish I am rude to him. This happens everyday for a few weeks and what happens? Husband doesn't realllly want to be around me either, we slowly drift apart.... This really happened, guys, I was pregnant, tired and just lazy in my relationship with my husband. It hurt us, and I had to realize that you have to put in effort to get happily ever after. You get out what you put in.

So now, hubby gets home from work--I've had a long tiring day with my baby... But instead of grunting about it I tell him welcome home, I ask him how his day was, I give him a hug and kiss, I tell him I missed him today and that I'm glad he's home. Does this happen daily? No... Do I always mean it? I do now, but maybe I didn't always mean it when I first started trying it, or my pride made me feel silly saying I missed you... But that's exactly it--by doing that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both are happier, and let me tell you, I'm living my happily ever after.

So back to arranged marriages... I think the concept of "happily ever after" is selfish and very individually based. It's very "ME" centered. When we learn to suck it up and quick worrying about our own happiness and seek the happiness of others, that's where we find the greatest happiness. Which is why I think that a lot of arranged marriages end up being wonderful-- because they forget about themselves and serve eachother. There are no rainbows and butterflies to cloud their minds and fill them with happily ever after mush. Disney is fiction. This is real life.

With any marriage though, arranged or not, for it to be successful you must follow the magic ratio of 5:1. This is a study done by Gottman, on marriage. 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative. That is the ratio to "happy couples." So, make positive interaction daily. Connect with your spouse, however it may be. Serve one another, use your words to express love, you might feel silly at first, but they are important. (This ratio goes for relationships with your children too!)

Okay now my rant about "the one." This concept is interesting. I do believe that for some, there is "the one" out there for them, but even if they found them it doesn't mean marriage is easier with them than with someone else per se. Here's the deal, once you have chosen someone (after much dating, fasting, and prayer of course), they are the one. You chose them to be your "one," and so you better make it work. Thomas S. Monson said, "choose your love, then love your choice." You don't think what if anymore, you do everything in your power to make the marriage the best you can make it.

There will be times where divorce is inevitable, or necessary-- so please don't stick it out if your being abused in any way, or other extenuating circumstances... This is not talking about you.

But with nearly half of the marriages in America ending in divorce I KNOW most of them were not for the necessary reasons.

If two people put 100% in, it will work. You don't meet half way, you don't give and take--you give yourself to that person, and they do the same, and you become one...

As I have been married and started a family, I begin to understand more why marriage and having children is one of God's commandments. You learn so much about love, and grow to become more like our Father in Heaven because the understanding that comes from those experiences. With God's purpose-- having us become like him, I can see why Satan would want to do anything to stop that spiritual progression creating a family provides. I understand why fair tales and  being "in love" and all that silly chick flick nonsense is all over the media-- our sense of entitlement and need to be happy --all the politics on defining marriage--skewing our views and expectations of marriage. If Satan can keep us from experiencing that spiritual growth marriage and parenthood brings--and keep us focused on our selfish personal desires of entitlement, then he's won.

It's okay if you're married and are kinda freaking out. It takes adjustment, it takes humility. Have I mastered it? No way... But it definitely has gotten easier since I started thinking of his happiness before my own. Do I always think that way? No sir-- I'm human and still very selfish, but I've seen a change when I try. Do I get butterflies when I get to see my husband? Yes. Why? Because I choose to. I'm in control of actions and feelings.

If you seek to make others happy, you will find your true happiness.

Rant over. Sorry it's not very organized. I'm typing this on my phone... In the middle of the night.

Every Mom Needs an Outlet (followup to The Truth About Being a Stay-at-home Mom)

So as I have pondered more about the topic, I have found that Moms need outlets. Be it a play date with other moms, or a girls night out, or sewing, blogging, a bowl of ice-cream once the kiddies are in bed, whatever. Mom's need something for themselves to refuel so that they can be good moms. To each mother that outlet may be different, but necessary for you, as the mom, and for your child.

Let's think about your outlet? What could it be?

Let me share with you a few of my past/present outlets, and then I want to share with you a recent one.

When Aiden was born, I was still working full-time (in the dorms) so there were meetings I had to attend or Freshman Dance Parties I had to chaperone (or eat all the food at...) and there was a group of other Hall Advisors like me with children that I could relate to. I think that's important to--finding a group to relate to. We were allowed to bring our children to certain events (like the dances for example) so we would let them crawl around (and the Freshman girls just loved them!), and talk about different stages they are in together. Although at times work was overwhelming and I would have the thought, "I just want to be home with Aiden." Now that I look back, work was an outlet for me, to feel like I was accomplishing something personally outside of being a mother (which is a HUGE accomplishment BTW).

After I moved out to Charlotte, I didn't have work anymore and that is when I began to feel a little unaccomplished (for more info, read the previous blog post here.) Although I did find some outlets. I had an amazing support system of girlfriends just by attending church. About the 2nd week I was here, I got invited to a Girl's Night Out where we went out to a bakery at 7pm, and didn't leave until 10:30pm! No kids, just lots of pastries, brownies and cakes... and of course birth stories, bedtime horror stories, and other funny mommy stories. This same group holds play group weekly on Wednesdays where we go out with our babes and do fun activities--go to the park, library, museums, art centers, etc. It's a fun way to get out of the house for both mommy and baby. A smaller group of the girls invited me for a dinner once, and then we decided to do a tots school on Tuesdays, so we get together on Tuesday mornings and do a mini preschool for our babes. What a fun way to get together and chat--or get out and run some errands when it isn't your turn to teach. Other Mommy friends are an extremely HELPFUL outlet. I know for some it is hard in a new area, but wherever possible, make lots of other mommy friends!
This video is hilariously funny of the realities of trying to make a fellow mommy friend:
http://youtu.be/OkprsbY0EJg

Other outlets I've had particularly recently are napping (although this alone isn't the best), blogging, cooking, baking, etc. But sometimes these outlets become burdens... so it just depends on my mood.

An outlet Darin and I share in the evenings when Aiden's asleep is watching Netflix. Sometimes an outlet is just going out with Aiden for a walk, or swimming at the pool. Something to just get out of the normal in-the-house-all-day routine.

My Newest Outlet

After I posted my last blog about being a stay-at-home mom on Facebook, I got a lot of great comments and feedback from other mommies who have been through similar things. One friend, mentioned that she had a couple mommy friends doing small businesses has helped them feel accomplished and have some tangible goals. I totally agree!

You see, about a day before I wrote that blog, I was looking into selling for Younique. I have always been a little curious about doing a direct sales or MLM sort of company... but never wanted to put the money in, because I know it can be stressful. Most companies like that require monthly purchases, and so most people who aren't busting their butt ends up IN the hole rather than making money... So I've been skeptical. Well, Younique was one I was really skeptical about, but I did my research and found that out of all of the direct sales companies, this was the least risky. So after doing a good long week of research, I decided to try it out. Here you are looking at a new Younique Presenter!!

Here are a few basic points about being a Younique Presenter:

Disclaimer: I know that this kind of sales is not for everyone. But as I have started it, I have wanted to share it with so many mommy friends because I know some of you are needing an outlet like this, or the extra money. Please don't feel like I'm trying to sell this idea to you, but if you do feel like it's something you're interested I'm more than happy to give you more info.

1. The Start Up Fee. Okay, so most companies require an activation fee. Usually you get a kit of some sort with a bunch of products in it that you can give away as samples or use for yourself. The Presenter's kit is $99 and you get a bunch of eye pigments, their 3D mascara, and other products. You never have to pay another penny again.
2. The Commission. This is my favorite part. Most companies will ONLY give you commission on sales if you spend $XXX number of dollars a month on products yourself. That number varies from company to company, but if you don't buy, then you don't make money. Younique gives you IMMEDIATE commission. This means the moment someone purchases, a check gets emailed to you within the hour. They can't take the money away... it's yours the moment that purchase was made. Awesome right? 
1. Commission starts at 20%, but can get up to 30% if you keep selling.
3. Staying Active. With every company, you can lose your status of being a seller. Usually with the other companies its when you stop making your monthly purchases. Since Younique doesn't require those, the only time you can lose your status as a presenter is if you don't sell anything. They give you a 3 month period, and a week grace period. In those 3 months you just have to sell $125 in product. Let me put that into perspective. That is $42 a month (about 1.5 mascara a month... so in 30 days you have to have 1 OR 2 ppl buy). As long as you average $42 a month, you will not go inactive. And even if you do, you don't lose anything, unless you didn't make back the money from the $99, but that is really hard to do.
4. Potential Growth. This is a huge factor as to why I joined. This company is still new. This year, it has TAKEN off and is projected to be the fastest growing direct-sales company. They have just opened up to the UK.. and I suspect other countries will open soon too. Not many people have heard of it, therefore there are less judgements (good and bad) about the products. When people hear "Mary Kay" they either RAVE about it, or they sort of cringe. EVERYONE has been to a MK party. Therefore, you have a lot of untouched soil to plant in.
5. Hours. You choose. I put in time during nap time and when Aiden goes down. so maybe 3-4 hours a day? Its all over social media, so you answer questions when YOU have time. it's great. Many of us moms are on FB anyway, instead of comparing ourselves with other moms, let's make some money! 
6. It's all online! You can totally do home parties but this company is designed to work ONLINE. Here's the nice thing about it. I think it takes a certain personality type to sell. Right? I could see some people would do well at a Home party hyping ppl up... others would not. The nice thing about this is it's online. You don't have to be uncomfortable in front of a bunch of people. You do what you're comfortable with, and I love that.
7. Founders. The founders are 2 siblings (a brother and sister) from Utah. They are LDS, and therefore share the same religious values as me. The motto of this company is to uplift, empower and validate women. They began this company to give women at home, ESPECIALLY moms, an opportunity to make money, feel validated and empowered. What a great mission. Their products are quality, and I trust them because of how they live their lives. (I may have stalked the 2 on Facebook for days before I signed up.)

So there you have it. These are the reasons why I signed up. I will also be open and say I have been selling for 7 days. I have sold over $600 in product. I sell about $100 a day. I made back the money I paid for my kit in about 5 days. So now anything I make is Net Profit. Pretty awesome right? Another girl I've been working with has done this since July 10 of this year. Last month was her first full month selling and she made just over $1000. This product (the 3D mascara is their biggest seller) sells itself. 

I love being a mom. I love caring for my baby. That is still my first and most important responsibility in my day-to-day life. But I have loved setting business goals, having numbers to hit, having tangible goals to work towards on the side. I'm a numbers-minded person, and so it just gives me that added fulfillment that I enjoy. So, first read my FIRST blog about being a stay-at-home mom. FIRST, find fulfillment in being a mom. Then, if you want a little added hobby, let me know and I can tell you more!

Motherhood is your most important calling, but every mom needs a hobby!

You're still awesome moms!!

Erika