Oliver's Birth Story

I should have started writing this post 8 months ago, when my memory was fresh. Now its been nearly 9 months and I am going to do my best to try and remember the best I could. This birth was much different than the other ones for many reasons, but mostly because I decided to go all natural. It was empowering and I think now that enough time has passed I would say I would do it again. 

So let's begin. With this pregnancy I started to dilate earlier than the previous two. I sat at a good ½ cm and then at 1 cm a good week or two. About 2 weeks before the due date (July 12ish?) I had false labor. I had continual cramping that woke me up in the middle of the night. I sat in the rocking chair and rocked through each contraction debating if I should call the OBGYN. After about an hour or two of continual consistent cramping (every few minutes) I decided to call. I left a message with the nurse and waiting for them to call me back. Miraculously (or maybe not? haha), the contractions stopped just before the doctor called and so I went back to sleep.

At my OB appt I asked if I could get my membranes stripped but the nurse said that since I was group B strep + they would not do it (in the case that I went into labor right away and couldn't get the antibiotic in time). Well, a friend of mine who happens to be married to an OBGYN offered her husband's services (why does that sound so wrong?) and I decided after talking it over to take her up on the offer. We went and had pizza for dinner at their house (this was a Friday evening if I remember correctly), and then he stripped my membranes. If I remember correctly, it was Friday July 14, I had had my baby shower the day before.  I cramped and bled for a few days with no labor.

no idea this would be the last time I would go anywhere pregnant!

Eating dessert at our girl's night

On July 18, I went out to a girls night to a yummy dessert place, and then headed home with no apparent cramping. 

I went to bed and was slightly crampy, but I figured just like any other night they would go away. I rolled around in bed waiting for them to let up but they seemed to get worse. I finally fell asleep for a bit and woke up at 1am again to go to the bathroom and had some more cramping. As I got up and started walking around they got significantly more intense (feeling VERY similar to the cramped I had the previous week). I tried to walk them out but very quickly decided to call the OBGYN. When I called they told me to take a warm bath, to try and drink some water and Tylenol and see in an hour how things were going. This had to be sometime around 1-2am. I tried filling the tub up and sitting in it, and quickly realized these were NOT getting better. Just then I got a call back from the OB office basically saying, "never mind, just called the hospital and there's room, so go on in whenever you're ready." 

I drained the tub and called the Tingeys, Gilles, and Ishams (the girls wanted to be there if they could, and we needed someone to come stay with the boys). I quickly packed my bags, and we were out the door around just after 3am.

We drove and the contractions began to really come on strong. once we got out of the car I used the time between contractions to run inside before the next one would begin. 

Unfortunately since Ben was over watching our kids, Jackie had to stay home with theirs. Katy rushed over to the hospital though, and met me there when they were taking my vitals around 3:50am. 

The midwife was quite short with me. She asked what I wanted to do for pain management and I said no epidural, and then lightly asked, "so if there is anything you recommend to help with the pain let me know!" to which she looked at me annoyed and said something along the lines of, "there is nothing, you just deal with it."

um.. okay. I immediately hoped she didn't stick around... haha

The midwife then checked my dilation she said she couldn't tell how dilated I was (in a not very nice, frustrated tone). I was a bit confused, like, aren't you a midwife, haven't you don't this before? Turns out it was because my amniotic sac was budging out, so she could get in to measure (she seemed a bit annoyed about that too, sorry my baby wants to come out? haha) but she assumed somewhere around 7-8cm, and about 50% effaced. When I heard that I was glad I didn't wait an hour or we probably wouldn't have made it!

After all the vitals were checked I was starting to get a bit uncomfortable and they realized it was already time to push. They rolled me to the delivery room and hoisted me onto the bed there. There was no way I was gonna make it walking. Pretty soon after the urge came. I can only describe it (9 months later) as intense pressure and pain. The nurses picked up on it right away, because my deep groaning suddenly got louder and a little bit higher pitched. The only way to ease the pain was to curl down and push. The hospital nurse quickly called the midwife and said, "she's pushing!" and the midwife (yes the one from earlier) came running in. The Midwife started to try to coach me but I just wanted to curl onto my side. The pain made me do whatever eased the pain, but she kept yelling at me to get back onto my back (and I was just trying to deal with the pain). She then started yelling at me "focus! look at me! stop, you need to FOCUS!" got right in my face, and used her two fingers to align are eyes (do you know what I mean? like when people say "I'm watching you." She didn't like that I was pushing I guess? She wanted me to hold my breath in when I pushed, but I liked to slowly breathe out while pushing, and anyway whatever I was doing was not what she wanted. This just made me have one more thing to think and worry about while I'm just trying to survive. haha The nurse there at the time could tell it was a lot of pressure and suggested I take a break from pushing for a moment. The midwife gladly stopped and left the room to help another patient.

Earlier contractions were managed with Darin letting me squeeze his hands and breathing.

Pretty soon after the midwife left the urge came yet again, and I tried NOT to push but I couldn't help myself. I was curled onto my side and bearing down as I tried to push through the pain. I felt like I was pushing a balloon or something out, and just then there was a large "POP!" and slight immediate relief that lasted about 2 seconds. Then I felt warm fluids rushing out and I knew I had popped my water. The pushing urges got worse and I apologized to the hospital nurse for pushing, telling her that I didn't think the midwife liked what I was doing. she was so sweet and said, "you don't worry about her, you do what your body is telling you to do, don't worry" She then let me push a little on my own, but realized that baby was in transition and called the previous midwife who said she couldn't come, so she coached me through a lot of the pushing while they tried to find another midwife. 

Finally, a different midwife comes running in around 5am, looking a bit disoriented (I think she was sleeping on call). She came and helped me finish pushing. She was the total opposite of the tough-love midwife. She was like almost OVERLY validating. She had such a soft, kind voice when she spoke, constantly telling me I was doing great, and how she was so impressed with me (a part of me was thinking it was a bit overly nice, like really? I don't think I was doing that great of a job, just trying to survive haha). She, the Nurse, Katy and Darin were cheering me on saying I was SO close, that they could see the baby, but okay, I had heard this before. With both of my previous kids they said I was so close for a good hour (I pushed for an hour and a half with both of them), so "almost" or "so close" just didn't hold the same value to me and quite frankly I was getting a bit bugged haha. So I finally said to the midwife and Darin, "stop telling me I'm so close if I'm not! its just discouraging, like really tell me, like REALLY how close am I?!"

Then, the midwife said, "you really are getting there! you want to feel his head? it's already sticking out, go ahead! put your hand down and touch his head!"
that was such a cool experience. I reached my hand down and sure enough, I could feel his fuzzy little head starting to emerge. That gave me a bit more motivation to push harder. In the midst of all this one thing I remember very vividly was the intense burning (sorry to get graphic but hey, this is for me to remember) that my friend referred to as "the ring of fire." it was so intense the cramping didn't seem to bother me so much anymore. I just remember thinking to myself, "yup, one time is enough, I don't think I ever want to feel this sort of pain ever again."

Pushing was exhausting! Darin let me pull down on his arm.

I was so grateful to have Katy there, she was able to take some photos, and help coach me through and just cheer me on. Darin was my stress ball, I would squeeze him every time I had to push. Both were great to have there.

At 5:34am on July 19, 2017, after about 45 minutes of pushing, Oliver Yuto Brinley made his way into the world. The immediate relief you feel when baby gets pulled out is probably one of the most satisfying feelings ever, suddenly you can feel your stomach once again! Ollie was a healthy boy weighing in at 7lbs 9oz. The nurses were so great at CMC Pineville, and the second midwife was so sweet too. 

I was SO sweaty, the cool towels on my face felt amazing

SO much relief after he was born

Recovery felt to be much quicker with Ollie than the rest of the boys. Not sure if it was because of the length of time being shorter or maybe because I didn't get an epidural and so I could pace myself better, but I was grateful for a speedy recovery for sure!

Later that morning Darin went home and brought the boys. This was the first time they met Ollie!

While I was in the hospital Darin would go home and stay with the boys and during the day we had the Tingeys and Gilles help watch them. Trina also stayed one night with the boys so that we could have a night together at the hospital. Narisa stayed with me IN the hospital one night so that Darin could get a good night's rest at home. I am so grateful for such a great group of friends!

 

 

these hospital beds aren't big enough for 4 of us!

Time to go home!!

FINALLY HOME!

Some Thoughts on the Church's "New" Policy

I want to begin by saying for those of you who may be affected or hurting from the recent changes in policy regarding children of same-sex couples, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you must be feeling... God loves you, and he is mindful of you, even if you may not feel that way right now.

This post is something that I need to write for myself more than anything, just to be able to get out my thoughts onto "paper." The reason why I post it publicly on a blog is so that those who may be searching for some peace can maybe find it through reading my experience.

Last night I was invited to an event on Facebook, a vigil for those who are being affected by the "changes." I had NO idea what that was all about so I began to dig on Facebook. It didn't take long to find that my newsfeed was exploding with articles, opinions and posts on the matter.

I found an article, read it, found another to make sure, read that, and then read a few more. I wanted to make sure I had all the facts straight and that I was educated before I started pondering on it. Initial reaction was this: "What do I make of this? I need to figure out why." At this point it was about 2am... I did not fall asleep 'til 4 (partially due to a teething/nursing baby, but mostly due to the fact that I had to get some answers).

What saddened me most was the posts I saw on Facebook. I saw guns blazing left and right. I saw members on the church saying that they were disappointed by the church, I saw "ex-mormons" posting very strong opinions about the church they once loved.

So here is what I learned:
We can receive revelation, so pray. Whenever we are unsure of something within the church, something we can always do is pray about it. Isn't that amazing? We believe that God speaks to anyone who sincerely asks with pure intent.
Don't know why? Feeling sad or frustrated? Take it up with the Lord, FIRST. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask him to help you understand. We may not find out ALL of the reasons but we may be able to feel at peace to know that He knows things we don't. Most of the time, people's comments on Facebook cannot do those things for you.

No one is being "punished."  I've seen a lot of the 2nd Article of Faith floating around, which states: "We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression." I understand what people are trying to say. Why are we punishing the children by not allowing them to be blessed or baptized when it is the parents' "sin?" Right? Aren't we contradicting our beliefs?
Actually, here's the context of Adam's transgression: When God told Adam not to partake of the fruit, he told him if he did, "he shall surely die." At that time, Adam was an immortal being: perfect and unable to die, living in the presence of God. When Adam partook of the fruit, he suffered 2 types of death: Spiritual and (eventually) Temporal.  Spiritual death caused Adam to be separated from God, temporal death made Adam mortal--or able to die. God, in his infinite wisdom, provided a Savior, who would break the bands of Death.
Long story short, all who receive a body will be resurrected to a perfect, immortal state (the same state that God made Adam in the beginning) forever, thus overcoming death and not being "punished" for Adam's transgression. Punished for our own sins means that WE must repent or pay for our sins to make it back in the presence of God.
Does that mean we aren't affected by Adam's transgression today? Of course we are, but because of the resurrection, it isn't forever.
My point in clarifying this is that children of same-sex couples are not "punished," they still are able to receive ALL the blessings of baptism and other ordinances that God has prepared for everyone in this life. The same way that all who live on the earth will be resurrected, therefore both situations one is affected, but not "punished."

Also, to add to this, ALL people, men and women, homosexual or heterosexual are welcome within the walls of our chapels anytime. All are welcome to attend meetings and worship. One does not have to be a member of the church to attend our services. They can still be a part of the LDS community and are welcomed to be.

Eliminating Contention and Confusion.  I will try to be as clear as my jumbled thoughts allow me.
Scenario 1: Imagine a child with same-sex parents gets permission and decides to get baptized. Say they are 9 years old. As they are raised by SS parents, they are taught that it's okay, that it's natural, and that love is love. Then they go to church and they learn that it is a serious sin to act on SSA. Inevitably there is going to be tension between this child and his parents. It may cause contention, and will definitely cause confusion. It undermines the parenting of the parents because if a child can say to a parent that they are doing BIG things wrong, how will they respect them? Or on the flip side, the child will begin to come to church and say, my parents are good people, they love each other, there is nothing wrong with it, and cause contention there, and possibly leave the church. Neither are very good scenarios if you ask me. Children and teens are so easily influenced and it can be a confusing time for them to be put in the situation. By 18, most have enough experience and growth to be able to decide for themselves. They are also capable to live on their own if need be.
But 8 is the age of accountability right? Yes, it is, but I will say it for 8 year old children as well. It is THEIR choice. And most of the time those who are baptized at 8 have a home where they can continue to learn and grow in the Gospel (or the missionaries work with them to make it so) Is that the case always? No, and when it is not, it is very common for those children to eventually become inactive due to the lack of a Gospel-Centered home.

Scenario 2: Missionaries teach a family is SS parents, and when they want to join, have to ask them to separate and break apart their family. No Bueno? Yea. This policy allows for some stability for children.
There are children who live in homes where people are cohabitating (also against the law of chastity), but its much easier to ask them to conform, because they just have to get married.

Leading the church in Unity: This is sub category of eliminating contention and confusion. You see, the LDS church is large in number. There are a lot of policies that have to be put in place just as a blanket policy to provide leaders with something to go by. Each case is worked out case-by-case with bishop and other leaders, but if they all did their own thing, there would be dis-unity in how they handled them. Could you imagine people saying, "Well I'll go to bishop so and so because he allows kids to be baptized so long as this and that... " it would be chaotic. Right now it is not so, but with opinions and values being polarized, the leadership in the church need guidance to know how to lead. Will there be exceptions? I bet there will be. I have seen many exceptions to other policies, through the proper line of course: through the First Presidency.
We must have faith God has his children in mind, and he will provide for them as need be. But there needs to be some sort of standard to go by.
There are also special policies for other family situations that contradict the Church's teaching and they are handled the same way.

Doctrine is Unchanging. Lastly, nothing has changed as far as the Doctrine of Jesus Christ is concerned. Application sometimes changes because the world is always changing, but SSA when acted upon has always been something the Church has opposed.
But Christ's teaching still stands, to love everyone, and to have charity. Charity is loving people as they are, regardless of what they believe, what they do, their flaws, etc.
And we are to do so with everyone. All are welcomed to come and worship. All are welcomed to live the Gospel and commandments.
President Boyd K. Packer said the following, "We do not reject you, ... we cannot reject you. ...we will not reject you, because we love you.

I won't say that I have all the answers to counter arguments that will most likely arise from my posting this blog. But we can't know all things, at least not now. That's why faith is such an important principle. I have faith that there is wisdom beyond what I know regarding this. We may never know why in this life, or we may, that I don't know, but I do sustain the Prophet as a man who is called of God.

This does not mean that I do not love my friends who are experiencing SSA or who are in a SS relationship. I am sorry that you are hurting. I do not judge you, I love you, and pray for you to find peace and happiness.

Hope this helps,
Erika

Introducing Elijah 恵冬 (Keitou) Brinley

I decided I should probably write about Monday before I forget details. Time just flies when you have a newborn... and with recovery, I tend to be sitting most of the time so time for a blog entry is easy to come by... if I'm not nursing or pumping that is.

Eli came into the world on February 23, 2015 at 6:43pm. It was a much smoother delivery than with Aiden (you can find his birth story here), thank goodness. I also have some funny videos for you to watch from some of the labor. I think you will enjoy them ;)

Eli's Birth Story

PRE-LABOR:
My mom arrived last Wednesday, the 18th and I had an appointment the next day at the OB. When I went (oh I saw Emily Maynard--she's pregnant too and has the same doctor as me... that's another story), the doctor checked me and I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I really wanted to kick into labor naturally, but with all the hard contractions and cramps I was having, it was really hard to get around with a 19 month old and function normally... So we scheduled an induction for Monday morning.

Over the whole weekend I was having some bad contractions. So much so that I was sure I would go in naturally before Monday at 8am. Well Monday rolled around and I was still having regular contractions so we went into Labor and Delivery and they hooked me up. We waited and waited and watched as the contractions showed up on the monitor every few minutes. The doctor finally came in after a c-section at around 11am and we discussed options. He checked me and I was still about the same.. maybe 1.5 cm... but he had seen Eli's heart rate and found enough reason that it was "medically necessary" to induce. Basically he wanted to have a justifiable reason to do so... and I guess he was able to find one from the monitoring they had done for the last 2 hours.

OH! I almost forgot. Prior to the doctor coming in, the nurses were trying to set me up on an IV. I didn't know why they were so early on, but I let them.... well, I let them try... 
The nurse, bless her heart, was an older lady, and she just COULD NOT find a vein to save her life. She stuck the needle first into my right wrist, and wiggled that needle around, stuck me again.... moved it around... and then gave up. At that point my wrist felt like it was on fire and I felt like I was going to puke. Having passed out while pregnant with Aiden, I know what it feels like to begin to lose it... and well, I was beginning to lose it. My hearing got muffled, I started sweating and feel like I was going to throw up. Darin knows the drill at this point (I really had issues when I was pregnant with Aiden), and grabs me a cold rag so I can stick it on my neck and face. I try really hard to breathe and finally come to.
I let the nurse know I gained my composure back and she beings trying on my left wrist. Right wrist THROBBING, I allow her to stick and wiggle again in my left... I ask her, "did you get it?"
"I think so, but it's not giving any blood..."
...okay.. doesn't that mean you DON'T have a vein? I began to feel sick again, and she begins to insert fluids into my "vein." I can tell you right now it wasn't. My arm began to feel cold.. I look over and I have a golf-sized lump on my arm.
It starts to hurt and I say "ow, ow, ow...."
the nurse looks down, "oh!" and pulls the needle out and sticks a bandage over the huge LUMP on my arm.... it looks terrible and it hurts even worse. Both my arms killed if i moved them at all. I began to feel REALLY sick again, and she left--having given up on finding a vein. She must have been having a bad day... or she needs to give up being the "IV nurse"... because that was a terrible start to my labor story.

Here is a picture of the after math of my two attempted IV inserts. Also, the one on the left hurt every time my blood pressure cuff went off... it was great. You will see in one of the videos below. ;)

INDUCTION TIME!:
After thinking through some options, the doctor decides to try a cervical balloon with a low dose pitocin. I am terrified of pitocin, and was hoping for the most drug free induction I could get, but the doctor reassured me it was a lower dose than typically given and that they can pull it out at any time. After asking a bajillion questions, we began with the balloons.

A cervical balloon is basically that. 2 small little ball-like balloons. One goes INSIDE your uterus on one side of the cervix, while the other goes on the outside. They fill them up with water to expand them little by little (every couple hours) and it begins to apply pressure to your cervix, the same way the baby's head does when the baby drops. This allows for a release of prostaglandins--a hormone that allows for labor to start. The low-dose pitocin was paired with this method to help the contractions continue to be regular.

The balloons went in at 12:30pm, and they got another nurse to do an IV (took her 5 seconds... I really don't have hard veins!) and they began dripping the pitocin in. My contractions picked up to be about the same pain level, but more regular. One every 3-4 minutes. They got a little stronger and a little closer together over time, and they filled the balloons up once more.

THE LABOR:
By mid-afternoon, I was breathing through each contraction fairly hard, and the nurse asked if I would like some pain killers. I think at this point it was maybe 3? or so? I said no, I don't really know why... because they hurt like heck... so the nurse was like, "I think you should. You're clearly in a lot of pain, and if you are planning to get pain meds at a certain point anyway, it's not going to matter when..."
She had a point. I don't know why I feel like I have to suffer through a little longer.... especially with how much pain I was in. I was literally feeling them at 8/10 pain scale... so she checked to see where my cervix was at. The doctor said if you tugged on the balloons and they came out, that would indicate I was greater than 4cm, the diameter of the balloons... so she tugged gently, they didn't come out, so she gave me a pain killer through my IV. I got this with Aiden too--they tend to give it to you before the epidural to see if it can hold you over longer. It is amazing. With Aiden I saw unicorns and rainbows... or at least it felt that way... this time around they must have given me a stronger dose... because this stuff DID NOT wear off until AFTER Eli was born. haha.

When she initially gave it to me, I was knocking out and talking to Darin. He videoed a lot of it... so here are the videos of me on this amazing drug for your entertainment. To explain--I am not crying, I am laughing HYSTERICALLY. So much actually, that I wet the bed. I was trying to open my eyes but they were too heavy.. so I could only keep one open... IF that. When I closed my eyes I was in a Lego DUPLO castle... and Darin was there with a phone in my face.. taking a video because I was talking nonsense. He mentioned Ellen Degeneres... I remember that... I think we are secretly hoping she sees these videos and invites us on her show.

Here they are (I don't really know what order they go in... but there are 3):

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

After about 30 minutes I could feel my contractions again. I was still majorly hallucinating and falling asleep... but I would wake up and scream/breathe through a contraction... and then fall right back to sleep. This stuff was SO strong I couldn't stay awake. The doctor came in and pulled on the balloons. I felt some pressure but they slipped right out... indicating I was dilated over 4cm. I think they told me I was around 5cm. This was close to 3:30pm or 4:00pm I think. (Darin probably knows better, he was sending texts to my girlfriends of the play-by-play). 

My contractions were SO bad I began needing Darin to squeeze and lean into with each one. They were only like a minute apart and a 9.99999 out of 10 (is it hard to say 10, because that is like the highest you can go? it is for me. Either way, they killed.) The nurse called in the Anesthesiologist who was taking her time.... It seriously took her like 30 mins or more to come. That doesn't seem long but when that means you have to sit through like 15 contractions then it REALLY seems long. Finally she arrived and gave me the epidural. The pain slowly started to fade--but I could still feel them contractions in my tail bone. The nurse tried a catheter, and I could feel everything, so I was not numb down there... but it was enough to take the edge off the pain from screaming through contractions to breathing a little heavier. As the nurse tried to help me empty my bladder, she shoved the baby's head out of the way, because it was pushing and not allowing me to empty. When she pushed the baby out of the way, my water burst. 

Within about 30 minutes the nurse told me to start pushing.... I was so confused... "aren't I only like 5 cm?" I asked. 

"No, you're 9.5, now let's start pushing."

Oh wow.. this was about 5:30 ish 5:45pm. I began pushing. At this point I could still feel the contractions enough, and so I could know when to push. In between, the other pain killer were still fairly strong, so I would almost fall asleep. I couldn't finish a sentence... I was so drugged. As the epidural set in more, I got more and more numb. After a while I couldn't feel my contractions anymore, and didn't know when to push. I think I may have gotten the epidural a little too late.. 

WELCOME BABY!:

Anyway after an hour of pushing, falling asleep, waking up, pushing, falling asleep... the baby was here! 6:43 pm. It was such a shock to me how fast this labor was... compared to my 30 hour labor with Aiden. I was in much less pain when I held Eli for the first time, since the epidural at that point was at its peak. 

I did skin to skin for an hour, Darin went and picked up Aiden and my mom at home and Aiden was able to meet his little brother. 

Eli was 20 ¾ inches long, and weighed 8lbs 0.6oz.

Eli came at 39.5 weeks, but he weighed as much as his brother did at 41.5 weeks. He's a big baby. He has long fingers and toes, I suspect he will be taller than his brother when they are older. He has light brown hair, not blond like Aiden was, but you can definitely tell they are brothers. 

We chose the Japanese name name Keitou for his middle name, because the "Kei" character is from my name, meaning "blessed" and "Tou" is the character for "winter." 

"Blessed Winter"

Aiden was Kai, with "Ka" from my name, meaning "summer" and "i" meaning "great"

"Greatest Summer"

 Eli is healthy and doing well. We are so happy to be a little family of 4.

I just am in LOVE with my 3 boys. I one lucky girl!

 Last video. Aiden holding Eli for the first time. This is the next day after he was born. My mom and Aiden came after lunch for a couple of hours and ate dinner with me. I sure missed my little boy while I was in the hospital. So grateful my mom took good care of him:

Until Next time,

The Brinley's

You CHOOSE to be "Happily Ever After"

I know people have written a bajillion blogs on marriage but here is the bajillion plus one-th.
I write this because it's on my mind (usually why I ever write is when something is weighing on my mind) and I need to get it out. Maybe someone is meant to read it, or maybe it could help someone gain perspective, or maybe it's all about me and when I'm done at least I will feel better.

Let me tell you a few things that bug me...
I don't know why we feel this way, but for some reason we feel there is "the one" for us.
Oh-- and that we have to be "in love" (whatever the heck that means) for it to work.
First off what does it even mean to be IN love? I think maybe the word you're looking for is like current obsession or infatuation? That fades, people. LOVE is a verb. We have the choice to act. We choose to love. Now, is it easier to love some people more than others? Yes! But can we choose to love everyone and anyone? Yes. So if love "fades" whose fault is that? Yours. Not fate, not because he/she is not "the one" but because you chose to not love anymore. Maybe not consciously but through your actions, at some point, you let it die.

How do we love? When you love someone what do u do? The Savior-- the perect example for pure love, served. Have you ever served someone and put them first and in turn felt a greater LOVE for them? So as a spouse shouldn't we serve the most the one we are commanded to LOVE most (after God of course)?

I learned some interesting facts from my major:  marriage, family studies, and human development that I would like to share... Like for example, arranged marriages have lower divorce rates than marriages that were by free choice. Why might that be? Part of that statistic may be because of culture--that those who were arranged tend to have a culture that strongly discourages divorce... But I do think there's more to it than that. I think when you get past the butterflies and rainbows you face REALITY and guess what? Life is never rainbows and butterflies. Life is life, and it's  not happily ever after unless you consciously choose everyday for it to be.

For example- it's been a long day at work. I really just want to be alone and my husband comes to pick me up at work. I grunt as I get in the car and he asks how my day was. I answer, "fine, I'm just tired." In a very short, frustrated tone. He has done nothing wrong and yet because I'm being selfish I am rude to him. This happens everyday for a few weeks and what happens? Husband doesn't realllly want to be around me either, we slowly drift apart.... This really happened, guys, I was pregnant, tired and just lazy in my relationship with my husband. It hurt us, and I had to realize that you have to put in effort to get happily ever after. You get out what you put in.

So now, hubby gets home from work--I've had a long tiring day with my baby... But instead of grunting about it I tell him welcome home, I ask him how his day was, I give him a hug and kiss, I tell him I missed him today and that I'm glad he's home. Does this happen daily? No... Do I always mean it? I do now, but maybe I didn't always mean it when I first started trying it, or my pride made me feel silly saying I missed you... But that's exactly it--by doing that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both are happier, and let me tell you, I'm living my happily ever after.

So back to arranged marriages... I think the concept of "happily ever after" is selfish and very individually based. It's very "ME" centered. When we learn to suck it up and quick worrying about our own happiness and seek the happiness of others, that's where we find the greatest happiness. Which is why I think that a lot of arranged marriages end up being wonderful-- because they forget about themselves and serve eachother. There are no rainbows and butterflies to cloud their minds and fill them with happily ever after mush. Disney is fiction. This is real life.

With any marriage though, arranged or not, for it to be successful you must follow the magic ratio of 5:1. This is a study done by Gottman, on marriage. 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative. That is the ratio to "happy couples." So, make positive interaction daily. Connect with your spouse, however it may be. Serve one another, use your words to express love, you might feel silly at first, but they are important. (This ratio goes for relationships with your children too!)

Okay now my rant about "the one." This concept is interesting. I do believe that for some, there is "the one" out there for them, but even if they found them it doesn't mean marriage is easier with them than with someone else per se. Here's the deal, once you have chosen someone (after much dating, fasting, and prayer of course), they are the one. You chose them to be your "one," and so you better make it work. Thomas S. Monson said, "choose your love, then love your choice." You don't think what if anymore, you do everything in your power to make the marriage the best you can make it.

There will be times where divorce is inevitable, or necessary-- so please don't stick it out if your being abused in any way, or other extenuating circumstances... This is not talking about you.

But with nearly half of the marriages in America ending in divorce I KNOW most of them were not for the necessary reasons.

If two people put 100% in, it will work. You don't meet half way, you don't give and take--you give yourself to that person, and they do the same, and you become one...

As I have been married and started a family, I begin to understand more why marriage and having children is one of God's commandments. You learn so much about love, and grow to become more like our Father in Heaven because the understanding that comes from those experiences. With God's purpose-- having us become like him, I can see why Satan would want to do anything to stop that spiritual progression creating a family provides. I understand why fair tales and  being "in love" and all that silly chick flick nonsense is all over the media-- our sense of entitlement and need to be happy --all the politics on defining marriage--skewing our views and expectations of marriage. If Satan can keep us from experiencing that spiritual growth marriage and parenthood brings--and keep us focused on our selfish personal desires of entitlement, then he's won.

It's okay if you're married and are kinda freaking out. It takes adjustment, it takes humility. Have I mastered it? No way... But it definitely has gotten easier since I started thinking of his happiness before my own. Do I always think that way? No sir-- I'm human and still very selfish, but I've seen a change when I try. Do I get butterflies when I get to see my husband? Yes. Why? Because I choose to. I'm in control of actions and feelings.

If you seek to make others happy, you will find your true happiness.

Rant over. Sorry it's not very organized. I'm typing this on my phone... In the middle of the night.

A Mother's (or Father's) Love

I had an emotional morning this morning. Let me tell you about it.

Last night, I was busy working on my Younique stuff on Facebook. Aiden was coughing a lot after we had put him down, and I was worried maybe he had FINALLY gotten what Darin and I had for so long.

You see, Darin has been coughing and congested for weeks now, and I had it not as extreme as him... but then caught a stomach virus that had me in the bathroom throwing up all night (sorry for the TMI)  last week. Darin came home early from work that next day so that I could rest and Aiden would have someone to play with him, and so that I wouldn't get him sick. I took ALL the disinfecting measures. Used my DoTerra oils, Bleach, hand sanitizer, and Clorox wipes like a mad woman, bleaching and wiping down everything, washing sheets... etc... I thought we were set.

So back to last night, Aiden kept coughing (most likely in his sleep) and then I heard a gag. Darin would gag at the end of his long coughing fits--so a part of me thought maybe that was it. There was no crying after, nothing. I think that was about 11pm or 12am last night. I heard some quiet whining at 2am and woke Darin because I was beginning to think maybe Aiden didn't have dad's bug, but mine. I kept thinking maybe he had thrown up, but if he hadn't and he was sleeping peacefully, I didn't want to wake him... so I decided to stay.

In retrospect, I should have checked. You know how sometimes you think--"maybe this is a prompting?" I thought that last night. But then realized that I'm typically a paranoid person and just went to bed. He wasn't crying, so he must be okay....

This morning at 7am, Aiden screamed for us to come get him because he was awake. He has been waking up earlier the last week or so because of teething, so it was no surprise. Normally Darin will go in, rock him a few minutes and he'll sleep for another 2 hours. I laid in bed listening to what was going on down the hall... THEN, I hear the bathtub turn on and I feel sick...

I run into the bathroom and Darin is undressing Aiden putting him in the bath. Aiden is just chipper with a smile on his face--but covered in what Darin thought was a blowout. I ran into his bedroom and his bed was covered. in. puke. I just started to bawl. Literally just BAWLING because at the moment I felt like the worst mother in the world. 

I had this stomach virus last week. IT. HURT. I rolled around in bed crying for about 3 hours because my stomach killed. I ached all over after I threw up and hardly slept. At least I had Darin next to me to get me tylenol, TUMs, and water.

Aiden must have gone through something similar. I heard whimpers -- I thought he was crying in his sleep but it was probably because he felt so weak. No wonder he didn't cry out to me last night, he was hurting too much. UGH. The more these thoughts raced through my head, the more I just hurt for him. As I washed off his sheets and started the washer, I just SOBBED at the thought of what my child must have gone through last night. He needed me and I couldn't be there.

All the while, as I am a wreck, Aiden in happily smiling at dad, in the tub splashing away, SO happy that he gets to start his day with one of his favorite things--A BATH.

I'll have you know, I have coddled him NON STOP this morning. What a sweet boy.

As I have been pondering about this, I just can't help but think of a few things I've learned from this experience. This clearly is not the first time I have wished that I could take away my child's pain, and suffer it for him... and it very well WILL NOT be the last.... and THAT. HURTS. As a parent the LAST thing you want your child to ever go through is pain, of ANY kind. But that's mortality and it's kind of inevitable.

Every time I hear about a parent having to see their child suffer, it makes me think of the Atonement. Aiden's suffering last night is minimal compared to parents who have children with a painful illness or disease, cancer, etc. But as a parent you get a glimpse of what maybe our Heavenly Father might have felt like when He saw His Son suffer. I know anyone can try to imagine what that would feel like (to a degree), but I feel like becoming a Mother has helped me imagine it a little more realistically. What great love Heavenly Father had for the greater good (i.e. us) to go through that as a parent.

On the same topic, what great love did the Savior have for us to do that as well. There are only a few people in this WORLD that I would take their pain upon myself or die for. Those are people I love dearly, and people that I feel don't "deserve" to suffer that. But the Savior suffered for everyone. Every. Single. Person. Some that maybe even "deserved" to suffer because of their terrible choices. He suffered for them too. It's easy to love children, your spouse or family. It's easy to wish to take their pain away or suffer for them. But He took on ALL pains. Now that's TRUE LOVE.

Another thought: in Preach My Gospel it says,

God is our Heavenly Father. We are His children. He has a body of flesh and bone that is glorified and perfected. He loves us. He weeps with us when we suffer and rejoices when we do what is right. He wants to communicate with us, and we can communicate with Him through sincere prayer. Preach My Gospel Ch. 3, Lesson 1

 I have ALWAYS loved that line. "He weeps with us when we suffer." This morning, I wept. Aiden was maybe not "suffering" as much at that point in time, but THIS LINE came to my mind this morning as I thought about Aiden. God really is our Heavenly FATHER, who loves us as His children.

Of all the other titles that He could have used, He chose to be called “Father.”
Find this AWESOME TALK here.

So next time you are feeling a little alone or unloved, know that God and Jesus Christ love you more than you will ever know.

Lastly, I learned how forgiving children can be. Last week when I was sick, I was a bit angry that Darin was sleeping. I mean I'm sick and hurting, and there he is, sleeping. Then, I would have to tell my irrational self that Darin had work in the morning (but why would he even go if I was sick) and that I needed to let him rest, and I was an adult and could take care of myself (but I want my mommy...). Yes, inside of this adult body is a selfish child. #thestruggleisreal.

If I went through what Aiden went through last night, I WOULD NOT be happily splashing in the tub. I would NOT want to be held and coddled my mom, the mom who totally abandoned me when I needed her last night. But he did. You can learn so much from a 15-month-old.

So basically, I just am grateful to have the title Mom. Do I stink at it? Sometimes, maybe most of the time... but especially last night. That was a major Mommy fail. But I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father, regardless of my weaknesses, has entrusted His children to me to take care of in this life, ALL so that I can learn what it means to become more like Him, and LOVE like he loves.

That's all,
<3/ Erika

It's A BOY!

Well, we are back on the baby blogging scene. Couldn't be more excited. Darin and I finding out I was pregnant was sort of a surprise, and I was a little worried at first... BUT its been great because recently I have been BABY HUNGRY and am so excited to have another little one around. Aiden has seen some of our friends in our ward's new babies and just adores them. He just stares at them, points, and smiles, which gives me hope and gets me excited for him to have a little brother of his own. They will be 19 months apart, so depending on when we enroll Aiden for school (being an August birthday), they could only be a year apart in school! That is obviously a few years down the road, but either way I am excited for these 2 boys to be the best of friends!

Oh... THAT'S right! In case you didn't see my Instagram post--We are having another BOY!!

He has no idea why he got a blue balloon.. except he wanted it. Aiden is in for a treat!

I'll be honest. I was SURE it was a girl. Okay, not AS SURE as I was Aiden--I think the strong hope for it to be a girl made me "sure." Plus just the timing of everything and when I got pregnant, the probably for a girl was higher than some. (I won't go into the entire anatomy of the sperm and life span, etc. haha even though I really want to!)

So when I saw on the ultrasound that it was a boy, I got a LITTLE bummed. Not bummed that I was having a boy... probably more bummed that I couldn't go shopping. Teehee. We already HAVE boy clothes. boo. I wanted to go buy a new wardrobe... haha I'm such a girl sometimes. I guess I will just have to go buy a new wardrobe for this prego belly of mine, since I was prego in the summer last time and this time it's the winter... ;) (only half kidding... don't tell Darin.).

Anyway, I am beginning to believe that my body only knows how to make boys--although again anatomically thats not true because the sperm is what determines the gender.... hah. Anyway I do kind of have a feeling I will be one of those moms with like 6 boys... maybe I'll have a girl for my last! Darin keeps telling me to stop worrying about it, it's only #2... but we will see... ;)

Anyway all joking aside, I am more than excited to have another BOY join our family. We will be a rough house for the next 18 years... it will be fun. My makeup business on the side helps me keep in touch with my feminine side, so hopefully I won't go all Tom Boy on ya'll. haha. just kidding.

Here are some pictures of our little boy (sorry they are pictures of a picture. I'm lame like that.)

profile

Body from the side. Look at those legs and arms curled up!

From the side face down. You can see his spine well

3D. He wouldn't move his hand out of his face.. so this is the best we got!

His foot. This kills me. Too cute!

We can't forget this runny nose boy! The weather changes has had my boys with the sniffles. Mommy is just tired from being prego, no runny nose for me!

Real boys drink from PINK cups. He's growing up so fast, I can't believe he will be a big bro soon!

I think we determined I am 21 weeks in this pic. Definitely starting to show, but not huge... YET.

Let's talk about pregnancy for a sec. I'm a little over 21 weeks now... and MAN I'm already having a hard time breathing, acid reflux (it's the worst), and trouble sleeping. With 2 sicklies in the house and me exhausted from lack of good sleep, we are lazy bums here on weekends. Except yesterday... when we spend the whole day at the DMV. Long story.

So, I do have a little venting to do. The ultrasound put me 10 days ahead of what the doctor set my due date as. When he set my due date, I knew he was off, because I know my cycles and the DAY I conceived (I know, this is hard to determine but trust me, I know. Haha... anatomy lesson?). Okay so, 40% of women can feel pain when they ovulate, thus they know when the egg is released. Sperm can live on average 3-5 days, and after 3 days they lose their "effectiveness." Basic anatomy right? Well lets just say the date that the doctor said would have been WELL after the sperm had died off... TMI? I'm sorry. Sometimes I think I should be a doctor. baha. Anyway he set my date at Feb 28. The way doctors determine your "due date" is based upon the average cycle length of a female. Mine, which is clearly LONGER than the average, makes it so I get the gypped. I have to (get to?) keep my babies in a few extra days... just like with Aiden. So... I take it upon myself to determine a "compromised" due date. I decided on the 26th. =) The real date based upon my cycle is the 25th.

Well, and with all my ranting and whining about it, just like mommies' cycle lengths are different, I'm sure babies' womb time is different too. I'm sure 40 weeks is just as much of an "average" as is the 28 day cycle length of a female. So really I just need to stop whining and deal with it. :$

Well long story short, after the ultrasound, the technician said--are you sure about this date? She let me know the doctor would possibly change the due date because it was a 10 day difference. I KNOW for a fact in reality it's not a 10 day difference, but more like a 3 day, but after my experience with Aiden, if I'm going to be induced, might as well get to be induced sooner than later right?? Anyway the doctor said unless its 2 weeks he won't change the date. AND I've accepted that. Baby will "come when he's ready." **for all of you who say that, it's NOT something any mom who is 42 weeks prego wants to hear BTW... for future reference. EVEN if its true. haha... (Source: #howtotalktoapregnantlady101)**

Anyway, enough of me ranting. It has been fun to have this baby kick and roll around. He is JUST as active as his brother, which means we will not own nice furniture, china, lamps, etc. Until they are 18 years old. That's okay I guess, we can save money that way right?

OH! One more thing. We are thinking up some names for this new one. So far we like the following:
-William (Liam for short)
-Eldon/Elden
-Carson
-Cannon
-Beckam
ANDDD we are trying to think of some Japanese names. We may do Rikuro, since that is my grandpa's name, and maybe do Riku (or Ric) as his Japanese nick name.
We've got a couple months to decide but it's always nice to have a name right?

Well, I will leave you, as I have probably talked your ear off! Until next time!
The Brinley's

Boy or Girl?

 Surprise! Yes, I am pregnant. For all of you who were wondering why I always look so darn tired in those pictures on Facebook that I post these days. We find out tomorrow the gender of our baby! Cast in your votes! I am 19 weeks pregnant, baby will be due the end of February... (so probably March if he/she follows in Aiden's footsteps). I found out I was pregnant the week we moved out to Charlotte, so it's been a while! We figured since we were far away from people it would be easier to keep it a secret longer!

For those who think I'm kidding... Here's the most recent prego pic. (yes, I'm brushing my teeth) Last time my stomach stayed decently small until about 24 weeks and then I exploded... (really I was HUGE...) so we will see if this little one follows that trend!!

Symptoms? you ask? MIGRAINES. I get really bad headaches.. and cramps. Not as much nausea, although I've had some. Not as hungry--or maybe I am but I'm too busy chasing my 14 month old to do much about it. I am trying to be better about eating and drinking because I am actually losing weight since I get so busy and forget to feed myself.

Yes, I know, Aiden and the babe will be close in age. 19 months to be exact! It will be quite an adventure but we are VERY excited!

Gender Reveal this weekend! Stay tuned!

Love,
The Brinleys